Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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