My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
