you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
