Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
