Your mouth is God's brothel.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
