Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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