"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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