just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
