someone get that fucking seahorse.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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