Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
