Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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