I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.