I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters