God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
