I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
