I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
