Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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