When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
