forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's never too late to be topless.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
