rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
