hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
