i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
