An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
