a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
They are going to name an STD after you.