I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow