I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
