i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
