I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
