were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
