I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
