They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
