Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
