I'm so fucking centered right now
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
