Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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