I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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