Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
