Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
