I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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