I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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