when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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