shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
