I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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