Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Houston, we have a blender
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
