it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
