im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
