we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
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I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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