In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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