dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
