It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
