peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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