when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
