I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
