I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
