if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
