Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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