No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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