he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
