He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
