Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
