Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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