My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
