Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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