last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
